I'm Gonna Take an Incredibly Surreal Sick Day (Variety)/Transcript
The following is a transcript for the The Cameron Murphy Pretty-Much-Surreal Variety Show episode, "I'm Gonna Take an Incredibly Surreal Sick Day". Act 1: Nurse Hotaru Chapter 1: Nurse Hotaru (We fade in on Setsuna on her phone.) Setsuna: What do you mean, "they can't show up"? (faint speech on her phone) Is everyone like that? Is everyone sick? Oh, I see. Okay. (She hangs up her phone and glances over at the other three.) So all the Inner Senshi have managed to get themselves sick and won't be useful in battle or anything until they recover. Michiru: What are they sick with? Setsuna: According to Ami, a really bad stomach bug. They can barely get up from their beds. Hotaru: Let's take care of them! (The three look over at Hotaru.) Hotaru: Well, why not? They'd do the same for us if we were sick, why not do it for them? Besides, we're their friends, and this is the best way to show we care! Michiru: I don't see any harm in that. (smiles) It sounds like fun, actually! (We jump cut to Ami lying on her couch when she hears a loud but polite knock on her front door. She quickly jumps out of her bed but slowly trudges over to the front door and opens it. Ami: (in a slow voice) Hello? (her eyes widen when she sees Hotaru) Hotaru! Why are you here? Hotaru: I'm here to be your caretaker! I heard you were really sick, so... (she pokes her head inside) May I please come in? Ami: Sure. (Ami holds the door open for her and flopps back onto the couch. She then notices that Hotaru is dressed like a nurse with a conservative mindset. She has on a pink blouse, a white apron that leads to her knees and has two pockets, brown tights, white nurse shoes, and a pink nurse's cap. Hotaru: You like my outfit? Haruka tried to dress me in something more revealing, but Setsuna put a stop to it very quickly. She said something like this was more fitting for a ten-year-old girl. (Hotaru smiles, and Ami sighs.) Ami: Sounds like Haruka. (We pan to the TV. It is on but muted, and Hotaru looks over at it.) Hotaru: Do you want me to unmute this? Ami: No, I had a hard time concentrating on it. It was mainly just background noise my mom said would soothe me. (Hotaru turns it off and feels Ami's forehead.) Hotaru: (surprised) You're really warm! Ami:'Yeah, Mom took my temperature shortly before she left. It's not very high, but I still have a fever. (The camera centers on her pajamas, chosen in consideration to her condition, they are a light blue frilly camisole with matching frilly shorts. Ami: I don't need much, I just feel really tired. Hotaru: I understand. Well, if you ever do need something, Nurse Hotaru is here to take care of you! (She poses with a grin, making Ami smile weakly. She then kneels by the couch.) On more serious matters, do you think this is the work of the enemy? Do you think they made you guys sick so you couldn't go after them? Ami: I don't think so. After all, that would require knowing our identities, and as far as I know, they don't know them. They would have to infect the entire town, and you guys and Mom aren't sick. It's probably just your average, run-of-the-mill stomach bug. Hotaru: Oh, well that's not as fun! At least it's not a plan by the enemies! (Hotaru giggles. Ami giggles as well, then holds her stomach.) Ami: Quick, bring me that blue bowl on the kitchen table! (Ami directs Hotaru to the kitchen table, making her spring up and run over to it, pluck it off the table, and dash back over to Ami. She sets it beside the couch on the floor, and Ami leans over it and loudly vomits orangish-brown vomit into it. Afterwards she wipes her mouth off and rolls over on the other side.) Hotaru: (notices the vomit) Looks like chocolate chips and pepperoni! Ami: My dinner. Mom didn't know I was sick last night, so we ate gourmet pizza and chocolate-chip cookies. It's been coming up all this morning and it burns. (Ami starts coughing.) Hotaru: Do you want me to rinse this out? (Ami shakes her head.) Ami: Just leave it there in case I need it again... (Ami falls asleep, leaving Hotaru with nothing to do. Hotaru then winces at the strong smell of vomit, so she walks off to explore Ami's so-called mansion. Suspenseful music starts building up during this. The mansion turns out to be a really fancy apartment building, but Hotaru can still see signs of their great wealth here and there. She walks into the kitchen and finds everything covered in stainless steel, with the marble floor polished perfectly and the light shining brightly over everything. Next to it is a small but lavish dining room, with polished golden oak floors, a huge cupboard lined with various colors of china plates, a glass dining table, and a crystal chandelier overhead. Hotaru goes back into the living room to check on Ami, who is still asleep. She manages to tangle herself up in her blanket, possibly due to her constant squirming, so Hotaru gently untangles it the best she can without waking her and wraps her up in it again. The living room looks quite modest, with only a flat-screen TV, orient rug, and marble statue showing off their status. She runs into the hallway, finding several doorways there. She pulls one open to find a computer room and goes inside. Inside she finds a marble desk with a computer sitting on top and several tall bookcases which are stuffed with various textbooks, most of them medical. Out of curiosity, she pulls one out and opens it, finding a chapter on the common cold. She puts it back and looks behind her, finding a giant black telescope. She walks over to it and finds its coordinates already programmed in the direction of the planet Mercury, and she smiles to herself.) Hotaru: Hmmm... I wonder who could've possibly used that telescope last. (Hotaru leaves the room and shuts the door, then goes into the bedroom directly across from it, which turns out to be Ami's actual bedroom. The room is pretty generic looking, in her thoughts. Her bed is dark green and is covered in giant colored pillows, and there is a white silk curtain around it that could be drawn around her for privacy. Several bookshelves are lining her walls, and Hotaru becomes surprised as she finds a manga volume here and there. She even manages to find a recent edition of Run-Run. There is a white dresser on one side, which Hotaru doesn't open, and also a closet, which Hotaru does open. She finds several formal dresses hanging up, along with a dozen pair of shoes. A bunch of old childhood dolls and toys are in there as well, but instead of just being shoved in, they are set up in little scenes that captured them eternally. She shuts the closet door and leaves Ami's bedroom, trying the door next to it, only to find it locked. She tries the last door and finds a bathroom behind it, which is all painted in a rosy pink color. The toilet is pink, the sink is pink, and their small bathtub is pink. She notices it also has a shower nozzle attached to it.) Hotaru: (in thoughts) Hmm, the idea of combining those seems strange to me. (Hotaru quickly runs back to the living room to check on Ami again, finding her awake and sitting up on the couch, holding her head. Hotaru runs over to her.) Hotaru: (worried) Are you okay? Do you need anything? (Ami shakes her head.) Ami: I'm sorry for waking up so early, but I was having a really strange fever dream. I wonder if my fever is getting worse... Hotaru: Hold on, I'll get something for it! (Hotaru runs into the kitchen and finds a washcloth hanging over the sink, and she quickly runs cold water over it and places it on Ami's forehead.) Hotaru: Do you think that'll help? Ami: It should bring my fever down a little. Hotaru: (crouching next to Ami) Do you remember what your fever dream was about? (We slowly fade to hyper-realistic footage of Ami's fever dream.) Ami: I can't remember it very well, I just remember seeing someone in a dark hallway holding a candle. I couldn't make out their face, but they were dressed in Rei's clothes. They started running towards me, crying for their mother, but right before they grabbed me, I woke up. Hotaru: Well, fever dreams aren't supposed to make much sense. Ami: True. (Ami starts coughing really hard and leans over her basin and vomits again. Afterwards she keeps coughing, and Hotaru jumps up again. Ami simply giggles weakly and wipes her tears.) Ami: I'm a terrible doctor, here I am getting sick! Hotaru: Nonsense, doctors can't help it if they get sick too! It's a risk of business, but if you love what you do, then who cares what happens? Besides, you're not a doctor yet, so it's fine if you get sick. Ami: I could be, if I wanted to be. In some countries, there are doctors who are sixteen, like me! And they're certified and everything! Hotaru: Did I ever tell you what I wanted to be? (Ami shakes her head.) Ami: (smiles) I wanna be a nurse when I grow up. I want to help improve the health of others! Hotaru: What a great dream! I just want to be a doctor because Mom's one. I saw how hard she worked to make people feel better, and I thought to myself: 'That's who I want to be.' Ami: Maybe we could work together someday! You could be the head doctor of the establishment. Before you came along, nobody knew what to do. But then, Doctor Mizuno Ami came along and solved the case, and everyone instantly made her the head doctor. But of course, she would be nothing without her trusty Nurse Tomoe Hotaru by her side! (Hotaru laughs, describing it. Ami laughs weakly.) Ami: Why did you come over here to help me, anyway? (Ami lays back down and adjusts her washcloth accordingly.) Hotaru: It was my idea all along once I found out you guys got sick to help you. I said that if we got sick, you guys would take care of us, so we should do the same. Surprisingly, my guardians all agreed. Ami: Where are the others? Hotaru: (smiles) Setsuna's with Minako, Michiru's with both Makoto and Rei, and Haruka is with Usagi and Chibiusa! Ami: Sounds about right. I wonder if they're having any trouble? Hotaru: Maybe, maybe not. You're a very good patient, you know. Ami: Thank you, Nurse Hotaru. (Hotaru and Ami both giggle. Ami's communicator suddenly beeps, and she looks over at it on the coffee table. Hotaru brings it to her and she turns it on.) Makoto: Ami, there's some Senshi business going on! You have to get downtown quickly! Ami: But we can't fight! We're all sick! Makoto: That's what Michiru-san told me, but I just told her Senshi business waits for nobody, even if they're sick. If Hotaru is with you, bring her along too. We need a lot of help! (Makoto suddenly starts coughing and hangs up the call, leaving both Ami and Hotaru to stare at each other.) Hotaru: (cries) She's right, Senshi business is important! But at the same time, you're sick! Nobody wants a barfy Sailor Senshi! Ami: Whatever happens, happens. Everyone else is sick, but they're still down there. (Ami jumps out of bed.) Ami: Come on, let's do this! (Ami runs into her bedroom to get her pen. Hotaru pulls hers out of her pocket.) Hotaru: Somehow I can't shake the feeling that this is a bad idea... (We cut to Super Sailor Mercury and Super Sailor Saturn finding themselves where the Senshi told them to be, only the scene isn't like they pictured. They find the three transformed Outers scolding the transformed Inners for not listening to them and staying in bed like they were supposed to. Mercury starts coughing again, making the team look over at them.) Super Sailor Uranus: Saturn! You're finally here! Now you can help us defeat the monster! Super Sailor Mars: No way in Hell, we'll deal with it! Super Sailor Neptune: You're too fucking sick! We told you to stay in bed! Super Sailor Jupiter: We're fine! Right girls? (Mercury simply turns around and vomits on the ground again, making the girls gasp in surprise.) Jupiter: Well, no matter! We can still defeat this monster! (Jupiter jumps out of hiding and does her traditional pose.) Sailor Lead Crow: Sailor Senshi have shown up? (rolls her eyes and sighs) Oh Lord, how annoying. Super Sailor Venus: (posing as well) You bet we've shown up, and this time, since you interrupted our recovery, we won't go easy on you! Sailor Lead Crow: Recovery? What do you mean? Mars: (also doing her pose) We're ill with a stomach bug, and we really don't feel like fighting anything, so just go away! Sailor Lead Crow: Why would I do that? The person I checked already had a dull Star Seed, which means they'll turn into a monster, (grins) which means you have to deal with them! Eternal Sailor Moon: (points at Sailor Lead Crow) Just leave us alone! Sailor Lead Crow: Also, you guys might want to invest in a better shower, you all stink of vomit. (Her phone-booth appears and she steps inside it.) So long! (She laughs and vanishes, leaving the girls alone.) Jupiter: How rude! We only smell like vomit because that's what we've been doing all day! (The woman suddenly turns into a monstrous form of a nurse.) Monster: Sailor Nurse! (laughs) Mars: What are the odds that we're being attacked by what we actually needed? Venus: And why am I getting vibes that we've done something like this before...? Monster: Time for your checkups! (The monster forms a stethoscope and twirls it around, wrapping it around both Mars and Venus. She tightens it, making the two girls cry out in pain.) Neptune: Deep Submerge! (Neptune fires her attack at the monster, knocking her back.) Monster: Time to check those reflexes! (She forms a giant hammer and aims it at Mercury, who is still in the middle of a coughing fit.) Saturn: Oh, shit. (cries out to Mercury) Mercury! Look out! (Another jump cut, this time to a low-budget, live-action claymation sequence being played out in poor VHS quality. A hand holds a clay figure of Super Sailor Saturn and moves it up and down towards a clay figure of Super Sailor Mercury. It is too late for a rescue however, as another hand, holding a hammer, quickly drops down on the two figures, squashing them both in the process during a fart SFX. Pause!) Cameron Murphy's voiceover: Hey! Tim's voiceover: Cam? What... the hell... is this? Cameron Murphy's voiceover: A thought on what would really happen. Tim's voiceover: Yeah. Well, so what? Cameron Murphy's voiceover: I'm thinking about using this as an actual scene. Tim's voiceover: Seriously, fucking seriously? That's not what happens in the fanfic, you sick fuck. Cameron Murphy's voiceover: Well, this is just my opinion on what would really happen, and if I feel like using it as an actual fucking scene, I can, and I will, and quit calling me a sick fuck, you stupid cunt! Tim's voiceover: Don't call me a fucking cunt, you dildo cocksucker! Cameron Murphy's voiceover: Hey! Stop infringing the use of "dildo cocksucker" in my Steel & Space series, and besides, I can call you a cunt if I want you little motherfucking kikey kikehole!! Tim's voiceover: Hey hey hey! Stop acting racist to the Jews and don't call me a little motherfucker, you cocksucking ball-sucking bastard!! Cameron Murphy's voiceover: Don't say I suck balls, you bitchy ass-faggot!! Tim's voiceover: Don't call me an ass-faggot, buttfucker!! Cameron Murphy's voiceover: THEN QUIT TELLING ME WHAT TO DO, YOU FUCKING FUCKFACE!!! Tim's voiceover: GOD-FUCKING-DAMMIT, SHUT THE HELL UP AND DON'T CALL ME A FUCKFACE, YOU ASS-SLAPPING, DICK-KISSING, SHIT-EATING, DLIDO-LICKING, PORN-LOVING, HOMOPHOBIC, COCK-FUCKING, PRICK-FRYING, BUTTFUCKING SON OF A BITCH!!! Cameron Murphy's voiceover: ASSHOLE!!!! Tim's voiceover: COCKFAG!!!! Cameron Murphy's voiceover: MOTHERFUCKER!!!! Tim's voiceover: COCKSUCKER!!!! Cameron Murphy's voiceover: FAGGOT!!!! Tim's voiceover: BASTARD!!!! Cameron Murphy's voiceover: BITCH!!!! Tim's voiceover: RACIST!!!! Eric's voiceover: Woah woah, guys guys guys! What's going on? Cameron Murphy's voiceover: Tim started it: he won't let me do the scene my own damn way! Tim's voiceover: You shut the fuck up!! Eric's voiceover: Alright, break it up already! Look, why don't you both go to another room and I'll figure this shit out. How about that? Tim's voiceover: (sounding joyful) Okay! (Fading footsteps) Cameron Murphy's voiceover: Man, I'm so glad we set aside our differences, aren't you, Tim? Tim's voiceover: I sure am! (Door closing SFX, then brief silence) Eric's voiceover: Hmph! Stupid jackasses. Never get anything right around here. Pfft! Unbelievable. (Chair creak SFX) Eric's voiceover: Okay. Rewind! *click* (Rewind, then stop!) Eric's voiceover: Now, play. *click* Saturn: (cries) Mercury! Look out! (Saturn pushes Mercury out of the way and the hammer narrowly misses them.) Mercury: (surprised) You saved me! You really are an amazing nurse. (Saturn smiles at her, and Mercury smiles back.) Monster: Time to take your medicine! (The monster flicks her wrist and several types of pills fire out at Eternal Sailor Moon, making her scream and run away.) Mars: Mars! Flame Sniper! (Mars fires her own attack at the pills aimed at Eternal Sailor Moon and melts them all. She suddenly swoons from her illness and leans against a nearby pole.) Venus: Venus! Love and Beauty Shock! (Venus fires her attack at the monster, knocking her down to the ground.) Venus: Now, Sailor Moon! Eternal Sailor Moon: Alright! (Eternal Sailor Moon forms her wand.) Eternal Sailor Moon: Silver Moon! Crystal Power Kiss! (Eternal Sailor Moon fires her attack at the monster, making her scream.) Eternal Sailor Moon: Beautiful! (Eternal Sailor Moon turns back into a regular woman and passes out, her Star Seed going back into her forehead. Mars: See? We did alright for being sick! (grins) Just admit it! Uranus: Only because we were here! If we weren't, you guys would've been dead! Super Sailor Pluto: (sighing) But now it's back to your houses to care for you more... Venus: (smiles) Be more excited than that! I am an amazing patient! (runs over to Pluto) Neptune: Most of you were, (holds her own head) until your fevers went down... Saturn: Come on, let's go back to your place! (Saturn smiles at Mercury, who smiles back. They quickly leave the bickering Inners and Outers alone.) (We fade to Hotaru rinsing the pizza-cookie barf out from Ami's basin in the sink and giving it back to her. Ami has fallen asleep, and Hotaru simply smiles at her. Unsure what else to do, she pulls out one of Ami's own books and starts reading it, and as she does so, she loses track of time and sees the sun going down, totally unaware that Ami's mom has come home.) Dr. Mizuno: Excuse me? Who are you? (Hotaru looks up from her book.) Hotaru: Oh, I'm so sorry, Dr. Mizuno. I'm a friend of Ami's, and she asked me to look after her while you were at work. I hope you don't mind... (Hotaru suddenly blushes and looks down at her book. Dr. Mizuno looks over at Ami, who is still asleep. She feels her forehead and draws back in surprise.) Dr. Mizuno: Her fever is gone! (She looks over at Hotaru.) You did an impressive job of keeping her company, miss. She was clearly in good hands. Hotaru: Thank you! I hope I did good, since it's a dream of mine to become a nurse! Dr. Mizuno: I think you'll make a fine nurse. Now your work here is done, so please go home and let me tend to my own daughter. (Hotaru nods and starts to put her book up, but Dr. Mizuno shakes her head at her.) Dr. Mizuno: I'll handle it, just leave it on your chair. (Hotaru nods again and gently sets it back down on her chair, then goes home. Dr. Mizuno puts the book up and hangs the wet washcloth back up. Ami slowly wakes up and look at her mother in surprise.) Ami: (groggily) Mom? You're home early... Dr. Mizuno: There wasn't much for me to do today. And there's not much to do here either, since your fever is already down, thanks to your little friend. Can you hold food down? If not I won't make you dinner. Ami: No, I can't. (Dr. Mizuno simply nods and goes into the kitchen. Ami: (whispers to herself) Thank you for taking such good care of me, Hotaru... (Ami falls back asleep.) More coming soon! ''Aqua Teen Hunger Force'' DVD Introduction Segment Coming soon!